Or every 4-6 days, depending on the outburst.
My mom has a traumatic brain injury. Her symptoms vary between standard dementia, alzheimers, and just plain brain injury.
We seem to always have the same fight, or at least in the same tone, since she has come to live with us. After the yelling matches, by the next day she acts like nothing happened, but then cycles back to anger of some sort within any given number of days.
You didn’t notify me of what was going on with dinner!
I just got out of a meeting Mom, Im tired and I am not cooking. There are leftovers or Lean Cuisine in the freezer.
I guess it’s not the exact same fight, and it is more like a nag. But when she is sitting at the kitchen bar, stuffing her face with leftover cornbread while angrily telling me “I didn’t tell her what the plan was”. I need to notify her. I need to find her. I work all day, she does not.
Because she spends 85% of her day in bed, I am required to NOTIFY her what the plans are. I do try to plan ahead, but lately I have had some later client meetings. Never mind that I should not HAVE to cook every night. I also have to knock on her door every single night to let her know “Dinner is Ready”, even when she has been in the kitchen 10 minutes before asking me when food will be ready – and then she goes to lay down in her bed.
So I ask: “Why couldn’t you ask me if you wanted to know? Why am I required to come find you.”
She claims I notified “everyone in the house” but her. Maybe it was because Jesse is out and about most of the day and I let him know when I came out of my office to get water or make a sandwich. Maybe I told Dean because he called and told me he would be running late. Maybe she could come and ask me at dinnertime, not DEMAND that “nobody told her” at 7:30 at night. I angrily pointed out that she could come out and use her eyeballs and see that no one was in the kitchen cooking at 5-6pm.
I should not be so angry, but I am. I told her later that she is allowed to be mad about things, but to get so angry and yell at me over “notification of dinner” was a bit ridiculous. I pointed out for the 100th time that I am a bit stressed about grocery prices, work situations, general anxiety — and that I would prefer to reserve getting angry about things that are not so small.
I told her I want to promote PEACE in the household.
I told her I thought we were doing the right thing by bringing her to live with us instead of leaving her in our previous state in assisted living.
I told her I was sorry if she wasn’t happy, but that she cannot DEPEND on us to MAKE her happy. She bears some of the responsibility.
I don’t know if these things were right or wrong, but I will not be verbally abused about things that, in the big picture, are petty. I don’t want to disregard her feelings, but it is hard to be giving all the time. She rarely considers my viewpoint and has zero situational awareness. We are not able to have deep conversations like before the brain injury. I try not to be selfish, but after 20 years I am tired.
I don’t want to send her to an assisted facility, but if her anger continues, I am not sure I can live with this.
I want to love her and care for her during this last part of her life, but it’s almost like she doesn’t want to contribute to her own life.
Let me know what you think. There is a lot more to unpack, but I need to get some Paid work done today.
